And you say..!!

I never call you every time I feel lonely.

Because I am afraid you will sense it in my voice.

You say I don’t talk about us.

Oh yes I don’t because it will only make me miss you more.

You say I don’t have time for us.

I wish to tell you how wrong you are because I never want to inform myself how much I love you.

You say I am drifting away from you.

No honey, I am just trying to keep myself not being obsessed with you all the time.

You complain I never write to you.

How can I when I have continuously failed to derive the combination of alphabets to pour my heart out.

You mock that I think more and live less.

Think again, because some people live a lifetime in a moment.

You say I spend more time with my friends.

Sweetie, I make futile attempts to tell myself that I have life beyond you.

You say I am awfully lost.

Perhaps I should be when I can’t even tell myself that we will be together tomorrow.

You blame me for my rudeness.

Check the physical distance between us and tell me I am the only one distance is playing on.

You say I flirt less off lately.

Well chemistry flows perfectly into biology more over a shorter distance.

You accuse me of trying here and there.

God I don’t know whose putting ideas into your head.

You ask me how am I?

Lured by illusion of your physical presence and tortured by the absence.

You say you miss me sometimes.

Sometimes has changed into most of the times for me.

You ask me to go out and breathe fresh.

I love my room. It’s the place where your scent grows on me.

You say I start arguments all the time.

All I care is you exercising your rights on me.

You are pissed because I am not studying.

Trying leaving my mind for a sec. Let me feel blank for a change.

You say I try to find my way with words.

Life has become a statement of justification love.

Accept mine forever and change it.

You say you want to live-in.

Well how about being my first summer morning every night.

You say I have no social life.

Don’t you know I am used to your presence on my shoulder in a movie hall.

You say I am not eating well and loosing strength.

I wish you were here to measure every ounce I have lost. Surprisingly it won’t affect my performance. So I disagree.

You say you appreciate civilization.

Eh, you make love like savages. But I like your idea of civilization.

I am definitely not the one who will dislike fertilizing a civilization.

You say you love kids.

I will father them first. Your motto should be saving your personal fortune of my manhood.

You say you want to go for a world trip.

Oh finally we found something to agree upon.

You say I should push myself together.

Zingadi na jaane chal rhi h ya maut ka intzaar kar rhi h.

Sang beh sako toh beh chalo, ek pal thehar sako toh thehar chalo.

Jaana hai humhe kshitijh ke par, sang udd sako toh udd chalo.

Manzil na ban sake toh ghum nahin, kam se kam humrahi toh ban chalo...

Bipolar Love Syndrome

In an era where love and fuck dominate the young minds I am pleased to say that I am quite young to have experienced all shades of emotions in my life.

Is it an exaggerated truth or a pompous lie? I could not have answered myself had it not been about somebody’s life and then I realized that I was asking the wrong question.

I aimed for a course correction and here I stand grappled by the love paradox. Is love for real? If yes then what is this so called super hyped phenomenon that every dick and harry is boasting about.

Frap pant yet pejorative is the situation and I hope to witness no dawn. I always saved myself the trouble of getting into the chaotic situation of resolution but seem it‘s time I face it by the horns and shed my cloak of imperviousness.

 I used to believe there are two kinds of people, those who experience love and those who want love.  As I am not a staunch follower of non alignment, I will firmly place myself in the second category. I thought I knew what this love is but then I realized how obsessed I was. Obsessed with myself (not to mention I love the story of echo and narcissus). But then evolved a third kind of species related to love in form of a unique equation. I am talking about people who are confused. Confusion is by default the coliseum of morons like me who battle all their lives just to beat the purpose of obvious.  Obvious is nothing but the feeling of happiness. Love comes in many forms but there is one thing that it always unfolds in your lap, the prospect of happiness. If you are not happy you are definitely not in love.

Love is an emotion of need and self. Need to keep self happy and in the pursuit of that happiness we tend to make others happy. An animal does not respond to your love but out of an emotion that tends to make him feel connected and happy. Be it anything that I have desired, I have desired it for myself. It’s not that I have anything against your happiness but I desire that happiness with me. I want to see us happy together. That is how it should be.

Had I been a gal I would have been very emotional. I had to be because of the weight on my chest but I am not a gal and I am not emotional. How often I hear such arguments and I wonder what it really means? Either people associate emotions only with gals or they have a special liking for playing male chauvinist. I am neither of the two and I am still waiting for someone to come up with a device to measure emotions to fill in their big mouth.

Love is not a protocol that you can dictate. It’s more of a situation that often happens. The big plus is that people like being in this situation for some time and when it starts getting monotonous they tend to shake themselves off. Folks fancy their ideas of carnal love (you can’t mix up here, trust me) and sometimes their own obsession which demands tutelage of their mate results in the doom. More often people submit and hit the docks hard but that’s how things move in this world and I see nothing wrong in that. After all, love is biological. The feeling is serene not because of the released oxytocin rather it fulfills something running in your head most of the times.

This is no equivocal text written to sweep some people off their feet or to divulge some new theme of the main stream cinema but only to hit some thinking brains and ignite a little spark of the practicality. It’s not easy to see your near and dear ones suffering because of this bipolar love syndrome but then you can’t preach all the time. It’s high time that people should really understand what it means to move on. It means forgive and forget. If you can’t forget you can’t forgive and if you can’t forgive peace will elude you all your life. Why drag baggage from your past? You have the whole wide world open to you, full of new opportunities and exuberant souls. Love (whatever that means) will only come to you if you are open to welcome it. And if you think you are very tuff then pretend nothing is wrong in this world and you can survive anything. In words of Richa ‘you don’t have to appear sad even if you are doomed’. Learn the lesson that nothing stays forever. Things that don’t change often fall before the autumn. Modify your code and switch to the one that has some variable you can change anytime because you never know what you thought will stick is vanished in the gloom of this world. It’s your shadow that disappears in the dark first.

Everything will be fine only if you have the balls to decide your own fate. Nobody will comfort you all time so better cut this shit off and stop this rona dhona. Nobody dies without anybody and if you can’t make your life worth living, make sure you at least survive it. I don’t want to live cribbing about something I don’t have and I have the courage to accept that now I have to manage without it.

I am not against relationships as I have seen people grow in somebody’s shade. It’s just I have realized that some people are not made for relationships and I can see where I am grounded.

It All Happened In A Party..

Scene (i): The whereabouts

The other day we all went for a party in this bar and there was this gal who was drawing a lot of attention from the hoi polloi. There was sth abt her that was catching everyone’s gaze. She has two cute signs pasted on her saying check me out.

She wore this black sleeveless kurta and her curls were falling on her chest. On any given day her long legs could have given anyone an adrenaline rush. The room was lit by the mere radiance of her face and every single being in my clique was busy checking her out.

She was reading this magazine with a drink in her hand. It did not take any pain to notice she wore no ring. The sparkling Martini was lurching in the glass to kiss her. It was in that moment she bothered to sway in the direction where I was busy preaching the basic rules of the dance floor to my retards who were obviously gasping at my face with mouth open. She was kinda different. Trust me I can tell. I had my back to her when I happen to see her face in the mirror opposite to me. I had never been dumbstruck in my life. Let’s take that for the first time. But I paid minimal attention as I have always held myself in high air of attitude. When we hit the floor my mates were all over the place but we were having a roll. I cornered myself to get a glimpse of her again and I found her looking square at me.

Anna, One of my gal friends tapped me on my back and said “don’t you think we know her from somewhere”?

I shrugged and said, she must be good in bed. And how in the hell you know that, Anna asked?

Look we men keep things simple; all hot gals are good in bed.

We all then took a break from the dance floor and went for drinks. Every once in a while we had an eye contact for a millisecond which prompted us to open billion possibilities of a date together.

Not talking to each other would have been totally gross, such impromptu was the moment and so precarious was the thought. Every now and then we run errand chasing our romantic projections and this chick was giving me a high. The gals in my group by now have tuned their small brain signals to mine and it was an absolute resonance.

Anna said: yeah yeah, I am on it.

You are such a darling Anna.

Anna approached this gal while we all sat watching the proceedings. I found it somehow fascinating.

All this time when Anna was trying to strike a conversation she was looking at me.

Anna reverted while she sat sipping her dry martini maintaining the eye contact and swirling her tongue in her mouth. I was sure the olives tasted better in her mouth. She had a way playing a seductress. I must give her that.

I got up and Anna murmured ‘Stop chasing that white rabbit else you are up next for humiliation’. Neha is one of a kind.

Nehaaaa, Hun.

You won’t get her, my mates said. They almost shouted.

Keep it down ladies and don’t let your jealousy consume you before she joins us tomorrow guys.Watch me,I said.

I approached her.

She was impeccably dressed and I was also up for the occasion.

Scene (ii): The conversation

Can I have a look at the magazine?..(I en-quired)

Be my guest..(Hospitality Followed)

 I know this is asking a lot but how many hot guys you found yourself in that magazine?..(I Mocked)

And how do you know that’s what I am looking for?..(Neha Subdued)

What other thing in the world will make a gal like you have a drink all by herself?

Well genius, I might be waiting for somebody..(Neha trying to kill my Curiosity)

 I see nobody coming all this time.

What did you say your name was?

You can do better asking for it..(Acting Pricey)

I won’t ask Anna for it.

Neha you can call me Yash.

Yash why were your friends starring at me?

Normal people have this bad habit of checking out all beautiful things.

Are you hitting on me?..(pulling herself together)

No, I did that half an hour ago..

Why are you not with your group?..(As if you want me to be there honey)

I have you to keep me company.

What took you so long to buy me a drink?..(Getting into the Act)

Because I was busy making arrangements for our dinner tomorrow.

What makes you think I am coming?

You are still holding my gaze.

(Neha looks around and smiles with eyebrows raised)

Yeah I agree something is transpiring between us but you took it way forward yash.

I did not plan ahead of the dinner table.

I am an interlocutor Mr.(Yeah yeah Whatever)

Prima Facie; yes but I am glad you are no humbug..(Playing Smart)

You think I will succumb?..(Neha I wont pop up the question Directly, I am too modest for that)

I know you won’t be dilly-dallying.

That’s a preposterous way of asking a lady for a dinner.

I don’t like playing chivalrous.

I should have foreseen the attitude coming.

It won’t take long to locate yours.

What makes you think you are so tough?

Nobody ever told me I can break.

So you want to see me or talk to me yash?

I just want to be with you.

Do I have that effect on you?

You are worth the trouble..(making her feel Good)

I am sure that’s not what Anna thinks.

I heard you are good at humiliating..(commenting)

I think It's too early for taking sides.

Yeah let Anna live with whatever she thinks. She holds nothing against you Neha.

Hmm. I will drop by tomorrow at the Leela palace, sharp nine in the evening.

Don’t say we have nothing to talk about. Better say I gotta go and will see you tomorrow.

Show me your hand yash. (She writes her number on my palm)Call me..(Hell Yes, Now we are talking)

You got it..(Modesty is good sometimes)

So?..(Man she is interested)

Sooo….

Why don’t you drop me to my place?..( See i told you)

Yeah sure. Where do you put in?

(Anywhere you like) this was not what she said. I dropped her to her place and she jolted me that million dollar smile of hers.

Anna freaked out on the floor and I realized all this conversation was a sham. Neha (As I know her name) was sitting with her friends but she was still responding to my gaze. She was done dancing and then called it a day. She was leaving but I felt as if she is taking a part of me with her. There was something she was trying to say. There was a lot I wanted to listen to but none of that happened and she left. I wanted to stop her but I had social obligations which coerced me to abstain from my thoughts. I don’t know what was that between me and her but I will remember that for a long time and would wish at least a part of it to come true. I can approach her at work but I am afraid of the intruding into her space. What if all this was nothing but a mere whisker of serendipity. What if I were just oblivion for her? I want that window to open up again and I believe I will have to do something for that. I have thought about not doing that something but every time I do that her breath taking soporific image grapples me and corroborates me to make haste. She within a short span of time has established a despotic rule over my heart. I have no idea where this conundrum of talking to her in person will take me but the rectitude of my motives says that everything is fair in love. I will either land up in front of her or I will stop hankering her before I dare to pull a Faux Pas.

Walk with me this one last time..

Walk with me this one last time

I think I need you

I believe I need you

Don’t go away, look at me

Turn back and hold me.

I will stand n wait for you

Oh baby!

 I am mad about you.

You did nothing, it’s all my fault

I kept my heart sealed in a vault

I lied, I cried

I even tried to hide

But your fragrance dwells in me

It kept me alive inside.
You are the grape I am the wine
Seal my lips and be mine

You are my sunshine, you are my life

Walk with me this one last time…

I thought I was dead

But the pain kept me alive

Just be with me, I will be fine.

It was so dark, it was so dull

I was swept away in lull,

It happened when you left

I was taken away in theft.

The moon was gone n the clouds were out

I wanted to but could not shout,

I lost all I had

Now I know what’s bad.

You are the one I want

You are the one I seek,

See me, am not so strong

Love me, am so meek.

You are my sunshine, you are my life

Walk with me this one last time…

I have sinned I have lost
can't lose you, too big a cost

You are everything I cherish

You are everything I desire;

Take shelter in my heart
Don’t burn in the fire.

Let me crash in your arms

Let me scale the heights,

Be there with me

Alone I can’t fight.
You are my sunshine, you are my life

Walk with me this one last time…

I know it’s late but I will try

My wings are burnt not the will to fly,

Cut me lose and see me go

Don’t kiss goodbye I will die.

Break the shackles of your cage

Let’s fly high over the ground,

Drop the baggage from the past

I am tired of being pushed around.

Know you will come

Know I'll be fine,

Know I’ll be happy again

Know you'll be mine.

You are my sunshine, you are my life

Walk with me this one last time…

Captivated in Dark

The dark outside was reflecting inside. Thanks to the hat else he would have looked shabby. He had his black overcoat which indicated the footprints of his struggle to survive. Nevertheless he was looking his best with that white shirt underneath. The shirt had patches of sweat and dirt. The two top buttons were missing and his chest hair was smeared in red dirt. He was walking down the alley where he could not identify himself with but it did not matter. He has always liked heights and the tall buildings around made him feel good. It was as if they were an insignia of his image. He felt his shadow is lost to those tall structures. He was trying to think but he was lost. Lost in the dark, dark that captivated his mind and soul. The coat was flying in the strong winds but he was looking at his feet to save his hat. He walked silently in turmoil. This was the day he had been waiting for and if all goes well he will have something that he has always wanted. He wanted it to happen but he was perturbed in the circle of thoughts that followed. He had never planned it but the moment has arrived. His walk was confident and one could easily see proud in it. He was no artist but his fingers were long. The protruding veins on his hands added more to his charm. He wore a ring on his middle finger which appeared to be falling but coerced by his strength and will to hold its position. His hands were rough like those of a laborer and it looked as if all the zig zag puzzles of the world were carved on his palm. His tight skin ennobled his sense of superiority. His legs were toned and he appeared to be a shadow making its own path in the dark. He was not able to conclude the thoughts that tormented him and the passion that he succumbed long ago was surfacing again. He could feel the heat of the passion that drove him so long on his way. Just when he felt he would be blown away to pieces it started raining. He kept walking in the downpour. The rain drops were falling off the brim of his hat. He pocketed his hands and all of a sudden he stopped to enjoy the moment. He removed his hat and looked heavenwards. The drops falling on his face pacified the turmoil inside and it looked as if god is perforating into his head with his blessings and permission. Permission to tell him that you will have what you desire and blessing that nothing will come your way. He could feel the hand of god. He opened his eyes and it all appeared bright everywhere not in the dark but in his fragmented soul. He lit his smoke and all the melodrama that pejorated his mind evanescent with the fumes. The rain rubbed all the dirt off his head and made him peragrate through the dark with brisk walk. A walk that was more like him, a walk that belongs to a body in full coalescence with the whims of its master.  He knocked at the door and she opened it. The time that elapsed was iota and it was as if she was waiting at the door. She has never looked so beautiful. Her white dress revealed the curves of her body against the light. Her head was bent downwards which was a mark of her submission. Her hair was falling on her face. He was looking at her but she was looking at his chest. His lips curved slightly to his right. She was still holding the knob of the door. They were standing still. She forgot to see him inside and he forgot to step in. He pushed her towards himself with a jerk and pressed his body against hers’. She obliged and was submissively yet forcefully dragged into the zone of passion. They were there, for the first time when nothing else mattered, when they lost track of time and space. His hands were moving violently on her body and she was responding with the same intensity. He stacked her body with his hands against the wall and ripped her topless. She was holding his head to her chest. He grabbed her as if to cut her to pieces. All his insecurities, his fantasies, his passion, his defeats left their mark on her chest. She signed her submission on his back with her nails.Her frustrations were scratched on his slender back. The long lines were equivalence of her long wait. It appeared as if they both will die after a moment. It was the moment when one’s soul was surrogated by others. He licked her navel to wipe off all the sorrow of their lives. She could feel his strong hands on her bottom. He looked at her with the eyes that said I know you are mine and I will use you as I please. It made her feel important. Just when he was going downstairs he heard the doorbell ringing. His younger brother was shouting at his full pace to wake him up. He had his first date scheduled today. He got up, not to miss his date but to transform his dream into reality. He wondered he would have lived his eternity had he been the only child born to his parents. But his mom dad had other plans and he has a charming younger brother.