It was like a breath of fresh air. Then I did not know that the fragrance that dwells in my heart will take me to the golden gate of love. I started chasing those wild thoughts which perforated the vanity of a boy and sensationalized my manhood.
She found a new address inside me and I was the elated lord taking pride in every nook and corner of my acquiescence of surrender. I had never felt so good all my life it was nothing less than one last breath for the dead. The body that has never known any love was burning with the passion of its whims and fancies. It had to direct the brain to come up with something that could pacify it’s desires and curtail the curiosity of the soul. The curiosity of the unknown, unknown was her heart.
And I pulled myself together and decided to see her square. I was irritated because my feet were not moving with my thoughts. All my way when i was occupied with her image I never realized that my thoughts were channeling all my energy to my legs. So powerful was the spell that I was standing next to her and could not even dare to look at her face. I knew she was smiling. Smiling at the dumb silence, realizing the complete essence of the minutes that followed. Silence that tormented me from inside evanescent like vapors in her presence. I knew it was still there inside but I could feel nothing but her. She came close to me and I was walking on the edge of knife. We were out of conversation and she started something. I don’t remember what she asked; I don’t remember what I answered. All I remember is that every time she asked me something she inclined her head in a proud way analysing some zig zag puzzle on the wall behind me and every time I answered she appeared to have found that same puzzle in my eyes which eventually vanished in her smile. She was on her dancing chair that moved to and fro towards me. Call it absurd but I felt as if my heart beat was going on and off with that to and fro of her chair. It was getting absolutely impossible to sit there so close to her yet so far. Then I decided to leave and she waved me from her chair only. I was at her doorstep when she came running and asked me why did I came over?
I least expected this knowing that she will obviously ask me but I befooled myself that she won’t. I could not see the mockery. And in the time that ticked I uttered that I wanted to see you. She immediately placed a second ‘why’ after that.
The moment had arrived and I made an honest confession. She said yes and I know I did not even hear that. I just read her lips and saw the smile that revealed what that yes could never have told me. I could not believe my luck that the gal I have loved all these years of my life will be mine someday but someone was coloring the rough sketch of my life and I was a butterfly lost in the paradise.
But destiny still had its own role to play and in one stroke I lost all the memories that I had collected over all my life. Memories when we talked all night, Memories when we walked in woods, memories when we drenched in rain, memories when we ran wild chasing clouds, memories when she used to dance on her own music , memories when I smelled her hair, memories when we expressed our love, memories when I slept in her arms, memories when I cried on her shoulder, memories when she whispered in my ears, memories when she laughed at my stupidity, memories when she felt the passion burning inside me, memories when we kissed like anything, memories when was pressed to me, memories when I could feel her in me, memories when she used to turn just before the bend, memories when she rolled her fingers in my hair, memories when she used to close her eyes and pray for me, memories when she used to smile with tear in her eyes, memories that still binds us together, memories that are still fresh and pure..
Memories which are reduced to nothing but a pinch in my heart. Years later I realized she was not there to cherish all those things that we did. She was gone and I have lost her forever. I don’t know if she lives those moments or not but I know one thing that whenever I feel sad and lonely I revisit myself and try to identify with the person I used to be.
Even If I kill her inside me how will I kill the time that we spent together? I can’t take life away from the moments which have always redefined my life. ‘Tute ke bikhre is kadar ke phir sambhal na sake’. That’s how I can best put it. What I hate the most is that vivacious and seraphic smile that I can hear every time her thought crosses my mind. I know I will never be able to get over her as my past will keep on haunting me. Perhaps I don’t even want to. That’s how I chose to be.
